I know I said I’d given up…

I don’t know what’s wrong with me!

Online dating is annoying. It’s time wasting. It’s confusing, can be shocking, can cause highs but also lows, and it’s only been a week!!!

So, I thought I’d try Bumble. It was confusing because although I was told 40 odd people liked me, I couldn’t see their pictures or details. The pictures were 100% blurred. You have to pay over £9 a week to see them. Sod that. I removed the app.

Moaning about this to a friend, she said, No! you can see them - when you match. So the idea is you go through all these profiles and if you see one you like, you swipe right. If they’ve done the same and swiped right on you, then you match and can see their profile. OK. I’ll give it another go.

FIRSTLY MY BIO - some of it rewritten by a friend who said my Facebook Dating profile could be improved:
I love creativity, good conversation, and making the most of life’s little adventures. You’ll find me at the theatre, cinema, a pub quiz, tending to my garden or wandering around an art exhibition. I also love to travel.

I’m known for: being kind and funny, organised and urgent.

What I’d really like to find is: Someone who’s over 6feet, a non-smoker, kind and genuine and who makes me laugh. I’d also like someone who loves me as I am! (Bridget Jones reference).

I get out of a bad mood by: Opening a bottle of wine and turning the music up.

I HAVE SPENT SO MUCH TIME SCROLLING THAT IT'S ANNOYING AND WASTEFUL!
More so because I can’t filter on height unless I pay over £9 a week. I’m not that desperate! So I’m swiping left (not interested) A LOT. I look at the age, then I look at the height. Lots of guys are under 6ft. I’m a big girl and need a big man. Although Penny Lancaster doesn’t - I heard her on a podcast with Davina McCall recently and she did make me laugh. She was saying that a boyfriend before Rod Stewart was 5ft 4”. She’s 6ft I believe. Whenever anyone said anything about their height difference the answer they used was (warning: this is rather rude): ‘he can suck her tits and fuck her at the same time’. That apparently shuts everyone up! Unfortunately, I’d still worry so much about giving people yet another reason to stare at me. They’ve always stared - or at least I have felt I’ve always been stared at - since I was 11 and started school at the height I am today and I was the tallest in the school which included sixth form boys!
I use a stick now too which doesn’t help my self confidence.
Having a guy who’s shoulder height or less, I just couldn’t cope with. It’s a shame, because I talked to one guy a few weeks ago who was actually 5’ 4” and he was so nice, but I just couldn’t take it further.

Continuing the scrolling moan - Bumble then extended the age and area. Yet more endless swiping left because I’m now checking age, height and distance and if it’s over 60 miles away, I’m swiping left.

IF YOU MATCH, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SAY?
Bumble encourages you setting up some automatic questions, which I’ve done:
1. What’s the last thing that made you smile?
2. What’s something I wouldn’t know from your profile?
3. How many episodes of a series is acceptable to watch in one sitting?

But I don’t understand when these are actually asked, because although some people I’ve matched with have answered a question, others haven’t.

SO YES, QUESTIONS GET ASKED
And this is where the highs and lows and more annoyances come.
I ask a question and a closed statement returns – why bother? One guy unmatched just because I said: You can ask me questions !
A guy I liked the look of doesn’t even answer a question or ask me anything.
Another guy unmatched after my first question which was: I used to live in Monmouth - have you been there long? - I presume he was worried I may know someone he knows and perhaps he shouldn’t be online looking for someone!
One guy I had talked with for a bit, in reply to my statement ‘lovely to wake up to sunshine’ which I genuinely meant bearing in mind it’s November and so blumin’ dark, said ‘It’ll be even better waking up with me’ - well he’s hopeful. And too confident. I unmatched straight away. I mean, for goodness sake, he doesn’t even know how I take my tea and he’s talking about bed! Am I a prude? I don’t think so. It’s just been a very long time!!
And also, how many days should you go without speaking? I don’t want to appear too keen or desperate!

AND THEN THERE'S THE CHANCE OF A DATE!
Aaaaahhhh - I haven’t dated in 38 years! I’m scared of having a first date! What if he hates what he sees? What if I hate what I see? What will we talk about? What do I wear? What should we do? Can I really go through with a date? It’s OK - this issue hasn’t arisen because the one who wanted a date, unmatched with me (this might be ghosting, I think)!!

One guy said he’s not on Bumble much and offered to give me his number. I now have it and we’ve talked a bit, but by giving me his number I thought he was keen, however there’s not a lot of interest coming forth. Even when I suggested meeting for a coffee because I was going to be nearby, he just said he was busy at work (it was a work day). If he was interested, wouldn’t he have said but I’d like to meet, and offer another date. I think he could be ‘breadcrumbing’ (giving me just enough attention to keep me interested but no real effort). I think I should delete his number! But then he could just have a lot going on. See, all this goes round in your head! It’s like being a blumin’ teenager again!

I do know what I'm going to say though if I go on a date and it's not great 'I'm just not feeling it'. This worked for a friend. I hope it will work for me!

Apparently I can look forward to at least some of these too:
Love bombing
Overwhelming you with affection early on to manipulate
Benching
Keeping someone as a backup while dating others
Catfishing
Using fake identity/photos
Orbiting
Someone stops talking but keeps watching your stories/liking posts
Cushioning
Flirting with others as “backup” in case your relationship fails
Hard launch / Soft launch
Publicly revealing your relationship online (soft = hints; hard = full post)

And other things to watch out for:
- It’s so easy to swipe in the wrong direction - you can’t undo, and if you’ve swiped no, but wished you’d swiped yes, you can’t - you cannot find them again unless you pay over £9 a week!
- Initials. There’s a language which I’m only just learning. I’ve had to ask on occasion and I’ve been warned by friends on others:
FWB - friends with benefits
NSA - no strings attached
LTR - long term relationship
ENM/CNM - ethnical/consensual non monogamy
DTF - down to have sex
ONS - one night stand
Hookup - sex
- AI men - yes it’s apparently a thing and I think I’ve had one talk to me. It was odd, the language he used sounded ‘AI’ and I actually asked him ‘are you using AI to form your replies’. He said no, but even his reply sounded odd. He then started asking for my birthday - he was into numbers and astrology apparently. I told him my star sign, but no that wasn’t good enough, he wanted my actual date of birth. I obviously didn’t give him that info and I unmatched with him straight away.
- Fishing - this could be AI or real men - they want your info so they can scam you. Be on your guard! Be careful what you tell anyone!
- Netflix and chill actually means sex. I did not know this - one of the girls told me. I thought it meant having a night in watching a film!
- If a guy says he’s not vanilla it means he’s into kinky stuff.

MAYBE IT'S BEST TO JUST STOP! DON'T GO THERE!
Although at a recent dinner I organised, the 3 couples there had all met each other online. So it can work!

I asked Chat GPT for some guidance about staying safe:
- Don’t share personal info too soon: Avoid giving your full name, address, workplace, or phone number until you trust the person.
- Meet in public first: Always meet somewhere public for the first few dates (coffee shop, restaurant, etc). Tell a friend where you’re going.
- Watch for love bombing: If someone showers you with affection too fast (“I’ve never felt this way before,” “You’re my soulmate” after 2 days), be cautious — that’s often manipulation.
- Video chat before meeting: Helps confirm they’re real and looks match their profile.(this helps prevent - Catfishing: When someone pretends to be someone else using fake photos or info. Reverse image search their photos if you’re suspicious.)
They're good suggestions!

You can’t really believe anything anyone says sadly, although I did notice one honest guy - I’m married but looking to have sex with someone!

A friend just told me to think of it as a game - play with idiots for my own amusement! Unfortunately I’m just not like that. I wear my heart on my sleeve and think too deeply about things. And they can’t all be idiots!

So I’m going through all this and then my ex comes round, looking the best he’s looked in a long time (and better than the majority of profile photos I’ve seen!). Why couldn’t he have just been nice to me? I wouldn’t have had to divorce him and be in this online dating position now!!

Maybe I will just give up for the time being. I’m making lots of lovely friends in this new town (where I’ve lived for a year already!). I have plenty in the diary, my son lives me at the moment so I’m not lonely. I don’t need to put myself through this ordeal!

But it is nice to connect with someone …